Winter Days

Today is one of those cold winter days where you need to dress in many layers to feel warm.  The sun is shining and there is calmness that has set in.  We are getting a Nor Easter with high winds that are due to come off the sea tomorrow.  Cape Codders are getting ready and buying their much needed supplies.  They have been through this many times before.  The plow trucks are lined up, the grocery store lines are rather long and there is a feeling of excitement.  I love how beautiful the fresh snow looks on the landscape.  We are taking the children skiing next weekend, so that should work out.

I have been home, sick for the past few days with a URI.  I have had time to think about all of the blessing in my life.  My children are growing so fast.  Elizabeth is 10 and loves sports.  She plays everything and anything that has a ball.  She is quite good too.  She is currently playing basketball and soccer.  She made the A soccer team.  She is a top scorer on her basketball team.  She is proud of her tomboy status now but I am secretly hoping that she will turn into a lady or girly girl.  She does play the piano and has made nice gains in that this year.  Her teacher has introduced more modern music and pop, so this is making her love it more.  Liz is my child who wears her heart on her sleeve.  She is very compassionate and cares about people who are less fortunate.  She always sticks up for those kids that feel left out or who have special needs.  She has a quick wit like her father and is very funny.  She has a strong personality though and sometimes she can be a bit domineering.  (I wonder where she gets that from).  She loves to build legos, play with swords, and play video games.  Nurf guns have become a favorite past time.  She loves all three of our animals and is a great help in their care.  I think that she will be the child who cares for me in my old age.  She is sweet because she always remembers to say her prayers.

Mary, 2013

Falmouth Academy's  Gala Event

Mary Mae is almost 17 and has turned into a wonderful young woman.  She has her own car and drives everywhere now.  I must confess that I was very nervous about her driving, especially over the bridges but it turns out that she is a safe driver.  She and her sister like to go out on sister dates where they go to the movies and lunch.  It is fun for me to watch them have a loving relationship.  I get tired when I think about everything Mary has been doing.  She is so busy but has managed to do it all.  She is a junior at Falmouth Academy which is a small private school.  It prides itself on being academically rigorous.  She has been working on a science fair project with Dr. Henry Dick who is Marine Geologist.  He is a Yale graduate and works for WHOI.  He has been acting as Mary's mentor as he is mapping a ridge on the ocean floor off the coast of Antarctica.  She has been helping him gather and analyze data for this project.  This has sparked a lot of interest for her in that subject.  She goes to the lab each day after school.  Fortunately for her,  she is almost finished and will present her project next Thursday on 2/14/13.  So, she has been a bit stressed trying to finish that.  Also, she is on our church's Stake Youth Committee and Stake Girl's Camp and has been busy organizing this big all day event that is suppose to happen this Saturday. (weather permitting) She also attends early morning seminary, which is like a bible study for teens at 6am every day.  Like I said, I don't know how she is keeping a straight A average, playing classical guitar and doing all that she does.   Lacrosse season is about to start which is another one of her passions.  She is one amazing kid.  I think having her two older siblings who were confined to wheelchairs their entire short lives has helped her to appreciate all that life has to offer.  She got to attend Falmouth Academy's Gala event last Friday night.  She had a blast.  She got new skiis from Santa and has been hitting the slopes when she can.  She loves to ski.

Mark has been trail running, playing his pipes and has been a huge support to me as I have started my career as a NP.  He has been doing a lot of the cooking which I must admit has been wonderful.  He is still teaching and is thinking about becoming a school psychologist.  He thinks that he would be a better way to end his career, so he has been looking into local programs for that.  He keeps working towards that pension.  He enjoys summers off and picks up side jobs as a carpenter when he can.  He is so talented and can build anything.  He is a great man and we will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary.  I am lucky to have such a great companion by my side.
Well, that is what has been happening around here.  Our life is far from perfect and we have had our heart break but I wanted to share some of the happiness we have been blessed with.  I count my blessings each and every day.

Grief

   Today I have been thinking a lot about my two children who have passed away.  I can't help it because they are in my heart each and every day.  The other evening I had a nightmare about Linsey and the events surrounding her death.  I won't go into detail because it is too heart wrenching to write about.   But when I woke up, I felt a complete sense of fear, dread and grief. It really shook me up.  I have been doing very well lately.  Grief is like that though.  Some days are filled with hope and laughter and other days the heartache resurfaces again.  Grief waxes and wanes.  CS Lewis described grief as an "invisible blanket" between you and the rest of the world.

   You would think that after 6 years, that blanket would be long gone but it's not.  There is no time on how long it takes to grieve the loss of a loved one.  One never does get over it.  The pain felt is equal to the love and it's strength.  So for those of you who are grieving, take your time and hold on to the memories.  Times does heal but it can take years.  Another thing that I have learned is that just because someone feels the pain and loneliness of grief doesn't mean he or she does not have sufficient faith.  They are not one in the same.  I can't tell you how many times, I have heard, "Well, just have faith and everything will be ok."  Well, it is true that having faith gives you hope that you will see your loved one again, it does not bring them back nor does it dull the intense pain of that sort of loss especially that of a child.  If you are lucky enough at this point in your life to never have experience that sort of intense grief, try to be sensitive to those around you who are grieving.  Cut them a little slack if they don't seem quite themselves or are a little withdrawn.  They just lost someone very near and dear to their heart.  Be a support to them, listen to them, don't say things like it's going to be ok or everything happens for a reason.  Life for them is not going to be ok in the near future because their heart was just shattered and their life will never be the same.    Can you imagine what it would be like if you lost a child or a spouse or a mother?  Put yourself in their shoes. 

   We must carry on though.  When I wake up everyday, I begin my day with a prayer asking God to bless my loved ones on this side of the veil and on the other.  I ask him to take good care of Ricky and Linsey and to let them know how much I love them and miss them.  Now there is hope in prayer.  Prayer does make things better.  When we don't feel like praying, that is when we need to pray the most.  Maybe everything in your life is going great and you don't feel the need to pray.  Well, that is when we need to utter our gratitude for all of the blessings we have in this life.  You are never taller than when you are kneeling in humble prayer with an attitude of gratitude.  This has helped my grief. This has given me hope during the darkest hours of my life.  You are never too proud to start to pray.