The only constant is change.

It has been way too long since I have blogged.  There have been so many changes.  Mary completed her freshman year at BYU and will be serving a mission in the Fortaleza, Brazil mission.  She has not arrived there yet as she has been waiting for her visa to arrive.  She has been reassigned to Cedar City, Utah.  She loves it.  I miss her so much.  I remember reading the story of mother Teresa.  When she left her home land (Eastern Europe) at age 18 to enter the convent in Ireland, she and her mother knew they would never see each other again.  Travel was difficult in those days and money was scarce.  I think about the sacrifice of her entire family as she left to serve God.  I have gained a glimpse of that sort of sacrifice.  Fortunately, we only have to endure the separation for 18 months.  She left for the MTC on July 21, 2015.  She is going on her 3rd month of service.  Since she has been gone, I do feel a stronger measure of the spirit in our lives.  It has been such a blessing having her serve a mission.  I enjoy getting her letters every Monday.  It has been difficult not being able to hear her voice or see her.  She will get to call once she gets to airport on her way to Brazil which should be in the next few weeks.  I can hardly wait to hear her.  Today was the Saturday session of the 185th General Conference.  It has been nice spending the day home together as a family and listening to our church leaders give us counsel.  Elder Holland talked about the love of a mother and how the Savior's love is the only love which can come close to that of a mother's love.  We love our children so much.

Liz is in the 7th grade now.  She is in middle school and will turn 13 next month.  She is playing on 2 soccer teams and had found a new passion, playing the drums.  She is also working on playing the piano and Irish Whistle.  She has lots of nice friends and went to her first year of girl's camp this past summer.  She loves all sports.  She is a loving girl with a strong personality.  She will lead in whatever field she pursues.  She misses her sister very much, although she doesn't like to admit it.  When out 9 month old puppy Wallace died last week, the first thing she did was write Mary.  Yes, that was very hard on our family.  He developed a seizure disorder over night.  We took it very hard.  He was a happy dog.  We would like to think that he is with Ricky and Linsey now.  They needed a puppy in Heaven.

The end of summer 2013

     As I sit and write these words, Mark is busily getting last minute tasks completed as he prepares to teach middle school science for the 15th year.  Mary who will enter her senior year at Falmouth Academy is hurrying to finish her summer reading "1984".   Elizabeth my 5th grader at Morse Pond is watching "She's the man", with her friend and neighbor Nick.
     This summer passed by in a blink of an eye.  I always feel a little sad as I see the lazier days of summer go.  For me they were far from lazy, since I recently started a new job and had no vacation time, but for the kids, it was nice for them to take a much needed break form their busy schedules.  Our days were filled with beach trips, jumping off the dock at Megansett Beach, Barnstable County Fair, sailing on the Tyrone, a family reunion trip to Hershey Pa., sleeping in, watching movies. going for runs on the trails, walking down town Falmouth and a trip to NYC.  Oh and all of the house guests.  Since June, Mark and I figured that there were only 10 days all summer where we didn't have house guests.  We cooked for a lot of people this summer.  We enjoyed a special visit from Ana Barona, a lovely girl from Valencia Spain.  She stayed with us for almost one month and was joined by the rest of her family for the last week of her stay.  It was a wonderful cultural experience for all of us.  lWe celebrated my Dad's 70th birthday and we were able to pull off a great surprise.  Mark started his CAGS program in Educational Leadership.  Mary was able to attend BYU's EFY, toured the campus and fell in love with it.
   For Mary the summer was bitter-sweet.  She had to say goodbye to one of her best friends as he left to serve a mission for 2 years.  Goodbyes are never easy.  For our family, we have had our fair share.  Mark and I sometimes feel like we are always the ones left behind.  We have seen so many family and friends come and go and it is never easy.  We will be saying goodbye to my favorite Aunt Nancy as she moves to Florida on October 1.  I never remember a time when she wasn't there.  It is a good move for her though.  She will retire and enjoy the warm winters and of course, we are only a phone call away.
   Now to get ready for the crisp days of fall with fires, yummy apple desserts, jeans and beautiful colors.  I won't mention what comes after fall. It is too depressing to think about for me.  I have a very hard time with lack of sun light.  But let's pretend that it will be a sunny and warm winter for now.  One can be hopeful.  So farewell to summer and hello to the school days of fall with my big 5th grader and my senior in high school.      

Photo of Mary(senior) and Elizabeth (5th grader) on their first day of school September 2013
 

Summer 2013

     These past few weeks have been very busy and challenging to say the least.  My new job has become more demanding as they have added more responsibility and have increased my work load.  School has ended and we were busily engaged in all of the end of school year activities like the 4th grade breakfast at N. Falmouth School, Field Day, baking cookies for every teacher Liz has ever had and soccer tryouts for fall.  I was a bit sad to bid farewell to N. Falmouth since I have had a child there for 12 consecutive years.  This marks the end of having a child in grade school which means my children are growing up.  It is sort of sad to see their childhood fleeting but exciting for them to move on to the next chapter of their lives.
     Mary just finished her junior year in high school which means SHE will be a senior in the fall.  I realized that I have her home for one more year and then she will be leaving for college.  I can't even fathom having her away and not living under my roof but I know the hard reality is approaching where she will be off and running.  I would have it no other way but it is still bittersweet.  She is working two jobs this summer, socializing and involved in our church's youth groups.  We have a few college tours scheduled this summer.  She has still maintained her straight A average and manages to do everything like playing her guitar, playing sports, early morning seminary which is a 4 year early morning scripture class for teens in our church and countless other activities.  She sprained her ankle at the end of Lacrosse season and has been recovering from that.
     Elizabeth is 10 and is getting taller every day.  She LOVES sports and has a ball in her hand most of the time she is awake.  She prides herself in her "tomboy" status.  I can get her to wear a dress on Sundays when we go to church.  She is a sweetheart and has a love for animals.  She played soccer on the A team in the spring and hope to play again in the fall.  She is still playing the piano and has made a lot of progress this year.  We are taking the summer off from all activities. We are having a girl from Spain who is also 10 stay with us for one month.  Liz is so excited to be able to teach her english.  Liz loves to play legos and chess.  We got rid of cable which has been a great thing for our family.  She has been spending more time reading and playing board games.  I get tired of electronics because I think it takes time away from the family.
     Mark has just finished the school year and he suddenly has a smile on his face.  Students aren't the only ones who are happy to see the school year end.  He has been playing his pipes in the Irish Pipe band Brian Boru where he is the Pipe Major.  It has become his favorite past time.  He has been running on the trails and loves reading whatever he can get his hands on.  I bought him a kindle for Christmas and he loves it.  Now that he is home, he has been doing his honey do list.
     As for myself, I have been trying to balance work and home life which proves to be a challenge.  I have been running more consistently to help reduce my anxiety and find it relaxing.  My job is great.  I love my new role.  I learn something new everyday.  I love working with the patients and enjoy getting to know them.  I feel like I am a student all over again as each day brings something I just don't know.  I have learned how to look things up efficiently which has been a great strength.  I love my schedule which provides me with every weekend and Mondays off.   I have every holiday off as well.   Life is good.  Not a day goes by that I don't think about Ricky and Linsey.  They are forever in my heart.  I love being a mother and wife above all else.  Spending time with my family is my favorite activity.  I love meal times.  This is where we gather together each day and talk about our day, our dreams and aspirations.  I love my family and am so grateful for each and every one of them.
 

Elizabeth with friends Chloe and Catherine

4th grade Breakfast

Mary and Matt Nielsen

Junior Prom 2013

Winter Days

Today is one of those cold winter days where you need to dress in many layers to feel warm.  The sun is shining and there is calmness that has set in.  We are getting a Nor Easter with high winds that are due to come off the sea tomorrow.  Cape Codders are getting ready and buying their much needed supplies.  They have been through this many times before.  The plow trucks are lined up, the grocery store lines are rather long and there is a feeling of excitement.  I love how beautiful the fresh snow looks on the landscape.  We are taking the children skiing next weekend, so that should work out.

I have been home, sick for the past few days with a URI.  I have had time to think about all of the blessing in my life.  My children are growing so fast.  Elizabeth is 10 and loves sports.  She plays everything and anything that has a ball.  She is quite good too.  She is currently playing basketball and soccer.  She made the A soccer team.  She is a top scorer on her basketball team.  She is proud of her tomboy status now but I am secretly hoping that she will turn into a lady or girly girl.  She does play the piano and has made nice gains in that this year.  Her teacher has introduced more modern music and pop, so this is making her love it more.  Liz is my child who wears her heart on her sleeve.  She is very compassionate and cares about people who are less fortunate.  She always sticks up for those kids that feel left out or who have special needs.  She has a quick wit like her father and is very funny.  She has a strong personality though and sometimes she can be a bit domineering.  (I wonder where she gets that from).  She loves to build legos, play with swords, and play video games.  Nurf guns have become a favorite past time.  She loves all three of our animals and is a great help in their care.  I think that she will be the child who cares for me in my old age.  She is sweet because she always remembers to say her prayers.

Mary, 2013

Falmouth Academy's  Gala Event

Mary Mae is almost 17 and has turned into a wonderful young woman.  She has her own car and drives everywhere now.  I must confess that I was very nervous about her driving, especially over the bridges but it turns out that she is a safe driver.  She and her sister like to go out on sister dates where they go to the movies and lunch.  It is fun for me to watch them have a loving relationship.  I get tired when I think about everything Mary has been doing.  She is so busy but has managed to do it all.  She is a junior at Falmouth Academy which is a small private school.  It prides itself on being academically rigorous.  She has been working on a science fair project with Dr. Henry Dick who is Marine Geologist.  He is a Yale graduate and works for WHOI.  He has been acting as Mary's mentor as he is mapping a ridge on the ocean floor off the coast of Antarctica.  She has been helping him gather and analyze data for this project.  This has sparked a lot of interest for her in that subject.  She goes to the lab each day after school.  Fortunately for her,  she is almost finished and will present her project next Thursday on 2/14/13.  So, she has been a bit stressed trying to finish that.  Also, she is on our church's Stake Youth Committee and Stake Girl's Camp and has been busy organizing this big all day event that is suppose to happen this Saturday. (weather permitting) She also attends early morning seminary, which is like a bible study for teens at 6am every day.  Like I said, I don't know how she is keeping a straight A average, playing classical guitar and doing all that she does.   Lacrosse season is about to start which is another one of her passions.  She is one amazing kid.  I think having her two older siblings who were confined to wheelchairs their entire short lives has helped her to appreciate all that life has to offer.  She got to attend Falmouth Academy's Gala event last Friday night.  She had a blast.  She got new skiis from Santa and has been hitting the slopes when she can.  She loves to ski.

Mark has been trail running, playing his pipes and has been a huge support to me as I have started my career as a NP.  He has been doing a lot of the cooking which I must admit has been wonderful.  He is still teaching and is thinking about becoming a school psychologist.  He thinks that he would be a better way to end his career, so he has been looking into local programs for that.  He keeps working towards that pension.  He enjoys summers off and picks up side jobs as a carpenter when he can.  He is so talented and can build anything.  He is a great man and we will be celebrating our 23rd wedding anniversary.  I am lucky to have such a great companion by my side.
Well, that is what has been happening around here.  Our life is far from perfect and we have had our heart break but I wanted to share some of the happiness we have been blessed with.  I count my blessings each and every day.

Grief

   Today I have been thinking a lot about my two children who have passed away.  I can't help it because they are in my heart each and every day.  The other evening I had a nightmare about Linsey and the events surrounding her death.  I won't go into detail because it is too heart wrenching to write about.   But when I woke up, I felt a complete sense of fear, dread and grief. It really shook me up.  I have been doing very well lately.  Grief is like that though.  Some days are filled with hope and laughter and other days the heartache resurfaces again.  Grief waxes and wanes.  CS Lewis described grief as an "invisible blanket" between you and the rest of the world.

   You would think that after 6 years, that blanket would be long gone but it's not.  There is no time on how long it takes to grieve the loss of a loved one.  One never does get over it.  The pain felt is equal to the love and it's strength.  So for those of you who are grieving, take your time and hold on to the memories.  Times does heal but it can take years.  Another thing that I have learned is that just because someone feels the pain and loneliness of grief doesn't mean he or she does not have sufficient faith.  They are not one in the same.  I can't tell you how many times, I have heard, "Well, just have faith and everything will be ok."  Well, it is true that having faith gives you hope that you will see your loved one again, it does not bring them back nor does it dull the intense pain of that sort of loss especially that of a child.  If you are lucky enough at this point in your life to never have experience that sort of intense grief, try to be sensitive to those around you who are grieving.  Cut them a little slack if they don't seem quite themselves or are a little withdrawn.  They just lost someone very near and dear to their heart.  Be a support to them, listen to them, don't say things like it's going to be ok or everything happens for a reason.  Life for them is not going to be ok in the near future because their heart was just shattered and their life will never be the same.    Can you imagine what it would be like if you lost a child or a spouse or a mother?  Put yourself in their shoes. 

   We must carry on though.  When I wake up everyday, I begin my day with a prayer asking God to bless my loved ones on this side of the veil and on the other.  I ask him to take good care of Ricky and Linsey and to let them know how much I love them and miss them.  Now there is hope in prayer.  Prayer does make things better.  When we don't feel like praying, that is when we need to pray the most.  Maybe everything in your life is going great and you don't feel the need to pray.  Well, that is when we need to utter our gratitude for all of the blessings we have in this life.  You are never taller than when you are kneeling in humble prayer with an attitude of gratitude.  This has helped my grief. This has given me hope during the darkest hours of my life.  You are never too proud to start to pray.

My first week on the job

This has been a very busy first week.  I started my job at CVS Minute Clinic.  Monday was my first day working independently.  For those of you who don't know about  Minute Clinics, I will tell you what they are.  There are over 600 Minute Clinics in America. They are independent clinics set up to treat common primary care complaints.  They hire both NP's and PA's.  They are somewhat limited in their scope of practice.    They are great because if you are unable to get a sick appointment with your PCP, you can always go to the nearest minute clinic.  They were designed to fill in the healthcare gaps and provide access to people who can't find a PCP.

I felt that my judgement was good but I still needed to look a lot of things up which slowed me down.  I have decided that even though there is a lot of pressure to produce high numbers, it is more important for me as a new NP to take my time and do the job right and avoid making mistakes.  There were times when I looked in the waiting room only to see 10 people waiting to be seen.  I managed to see everyone.

On Monday, I saw 35 patients alone.  I did all of the insurance verifications, treated patients, gave flu shots, ordered supplies, kept the books and cleaned.  Needless to say, I was so tired after the 12 hour day.  I work 8-7pm plus travel time which makes for a long day.  I work 30-35 hours/week.  Most weeks, it is only 3 days.   I do like working with the public.  Most people are so grateful for any help you give them.  I would like to share some of the stories from this week and the people who touches my life.

There was an old man who came in for a second visit because he still wasn't feeling well.  After doing his history and PE exam, he confined in me that he had lost both his wife and grand-daughter in the past 2 weeks.  He began to cry.  I held his hand as I fought my own tears.  I could feel his pain.  After giving him a new script, I gave him a hug.  Sometimes just validating someone's pain is all they need.  It was apparent that this man who had been married for 50 years was facing grave loneliness and was so grief stricken.

Then there was the young woman who came in for throat hoarseness.  She was receiving treatment for breast cancer at the tender age of 32.  Unfortunately, I had to refer her out because her condition was not in the scope of practice within the Minute Clinic guidelines.  She told me her plight and I listened.  Fortunately there was a lull in the schedule, so I could give her extra time.  She was the mother of 5 children.

There was the elderly couple who had been married for 62 years coming into the clinic, arm and arm getting their seasonal flu shots.  When I asked how long they had been married, the husband pipes up and said, "62 years."  I asked, "What is your secret?"  His reply in a very serious tone, "You have to always put the other person and their needs first and lots of laughter." 

Then there was the grumpy middle aged man who demanded antibiotics for a sinus infection.  It is so funny that people will self diagnose and then demand what they want or think they need.  When I informed him that he did not have a sinus infection  and that he had an upper respiratory infection/ allergic rhinitis caused by his allergies he got mad.  I told him what the s/s of a sinus infection are.   As I tried to explain to him that giving antibiotics for a virus/allergies can cause more harm than good, he stormed away dissatisfied.  I realized at that moment that you can't always please everyone and unfortunately he will go somewhere else and the next provider he sees will end up giving him the unneeded antibiotic.

When I was a student, we talked about the pressure health care providers are under to dispense antibiotics.  In some ways it would be just easier, but most primary care complaints are caused by viruses and not bacterias.  We need to prevent antibiotic resistance and stop prescribing them unnecessarily.

There will more stories, more lives that will touch mine.  I just hope that my dedication to this work will persevere.  My family has been so supportive especially Mark who has picked up the slack at home on the days I work.  My girls are so lucky to have him for their dad.  I am blessed to have a wonderful family and to be able to do this great work.

 
Ricky at age 5.  He was the happiest little boy.  I was honored to be his mother.  How I miss him and his angelic soul.  I have faith that if I live a righteous life, I will see him again.  My heart still aches for him.  On September 2oth, It was the 13 anniversary of his death.  I can't believe I haven't seen him in 13 years.  That is too long not to see your child.  Losing a child is comparable to losing a piece of yourself.  If only God would have taken me instead.  He was too young.  He lived 8 short years.