When I was a little girl, I would spend my days pretending that I was a doctor and that I was saving the world. I owned my own toy stethoscope, thermometer and band aides. I would pretend that my dolls were hurt. I would try to make them feel better by putting bandages on their wounds and cool cloths on their fore heads.
When I was 12 years old my maternal grandmother was diagnosed with a very aggressive form of lung cancer. I was very close to her. She was a second mother to me. She cared for me in the summer while both of my parents worked. She was my best friend. She taught me so many things. She taught me how to swim, bake, cook, clean, play the organ and play a mean game of scrabble. She was an expert at doing crossword puzzles. She was devoted to her family and was a career mom. She stayed home and took good care of my grandfather, her children and her grandchildren.
When she got sick, I watched her waste away to a mere 80 pounds. In the early stages of the disease, I cared for her. I would make her lunch, give her pills and did light house cleaning. I was there for her every step of the way. I was 121/2 when she died. She only lasted 6 months. My world was shattered. Losing my mammie was my first taste of death. The impact of her death had a lasting effect and her influence is still felt today. You see my mammie was my first patient. She was the first real life person I tried to make feel better. The seed was planted. My destiny was being staged.
As I grew into adolescent, I became a little lost and discouraged. I did not make the wisest choices and did not apply myself in school. I was a smart kid but not the most motivated child. My self esteem was pretty low as I did not think highly of myself until my junior year in high school. I met a teacher who saw something in me, my true potential and he encouraged me to be and do anything I wanted to do. That was a pivotal moment in my life because it was the first time a person outside of my family believed in me. He taught me to believe in myself. I did believe in myself enough to become the first college graduate in my family with both my undergraduate and graduate degrees. My parents always encouraged me to get an education. They saw the value and true importance of it.
And then there was Ricky and Linsey. My two eldest children who were born with a rare disease that shortened their life. They were so precious, pure and happy. I felt like I was in the presence of royalty from on high. They were so Godlike. I felt nearer to God when I was with them than I ever did before or since having them. I would tease them and call then "your royal Heiness." They required so much care. It was a 24 hour 7 day a week job. It required getting up sometimes 4-5 times every night for years to turn them over, so they wouldn't get bed sores. It required hundreds of trips to various medical appointments. It required wheelchairs, hospital beds, PT, OT, IEP's and handicap vans. It was so much work and there were many sad days. Days where I would just curl up in a ball and cry myself to sleep. But I wouldn't trade any of those days in for a moment. In fact, I would do anything just to have those fleeting moments back again. I dream of just being able to get up for the 4th time, jumping into bed with Ricky,holding him and comforting him until he fell back asleep again. I would love to hear their giggles and their laughter again.
So, here I am 30 years later, a family nurse practitioner about to start to practice on my own. For the past 3 years, I have been studying, reading and preparing for now. All of the hard work is paying off. This past week in the clinic, we saw 24 patients. We saw the very young and the very old. We saw black, white, rich and poor. All the while I couldn't help but to think of my Mammie, Ricky and Linsey who I was blessed to "try to make feel better" while they were in this life. Being a nurse and caring for the sick is part of my destiny. This is what God wanted me to do even in my infancy. This has been confirmed to me over and over again in my life. He sent me my grandmother, then my children and now countless others who I can't wait to make them feel a little better.
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